I have not died

source: unknown (if you know it, message me)
Also, this made me incredibly happy for some reason, so I thought I'd share it with you

Hello readers!
   It's been so long! I'm actually incredibly surprised that my number of followers hasn't exponentially decreased--in fact, the number hasn't budged at all! My only reasonable excuse for my absence is that this is my junior year and my ability to conform to the American school system's rigid and narrow-minded set-up has resulted in lower than wanted grades. It frustrates me that they're so low, and not in the A-B frame of mind, but the A-B-C-possibly D frame of mind. I'm usually an A-B student, and this is my first year where I'm actually struggling at borderline failing. This has resulted in stress and self-deprecation to the extent where instead of writing blog posts or reading books--two things I enjoy immensely,  I would curl up and scroll endlessly to the vast, mind-numbing expanses of Tumblr and the narcissistic landscape of Facebook, and let's not forget the sea of Youtube. I'm not proud of this, and my view of myself is not one that I like. One could say this is due to the fact that I gained five pounds, granted the doctor said I was underweight--but if you know anything about weight, this is the fat kind, not the muscle kind. Junior year has not been kind, and only now do I understand the rumours and the complaining all the upperclassmen did last year. I now know that they were perfectly entitled to their complaining. But, you see, I go to a school where standards are very high. I do not know anyone that has less than As and Bs. This high level competition only exacerbates my anxiety and I wish I could forget this all and just sit down and read a book like old times. Apart from the external forces that appear to be conspiring against me, internal forces too compel me to feel uncomfortable--like that tiny voice that keeps telling me "It would be different if you were a boy". For example, most of my shopping experience consists of me ogling the fine quality and delicious stitching of men's department clothing. I found a blazer the other day that I lusted after--only realising that my shoulders were not broad enough to fill it in. I still bought a blazer though, and it is fine.  Still waiting for the right occasion to wear it.
  Now, I have been reading. For school, yes, and also on my free time, if such a thing exists any more. I've been reading Socialist essays by Oscar Wilde and I finished reading Siddhartha by Herman Hesse. It was not a good book, let me tell you this, not a good book at all. I thought it'd be about Buddha, but it wasn't.


 I have no idea where to start reading again as winter break approaches ever so slowly. I thought it'd be best to make a list and prepare for blissful reading. This morning, I read a BBC article about famous French novels and it seemed to me that other forces were conspiring this time to help me. But I'd also enjoy other recommendations. Preferably classics. My endeavour to enrich my knowledge of the classics has not ended, and I feel out of the loop when it comes to young adult books. Many of my peers are all reading them. One asked me yesterday, "Have you read Divergent?" and I said, "No, but I know that it's very popular". Other books catch me by surprise, like "Bitterblue is already out?!" or "This author published another book?!" I know several years ago, I would have been thrilled, but now I'm more surprised than anything. I remember anxiously waiting for the release of Bitterblue, but now that it's out, and apparently it has been for quite some time, I don't feel that same excitement.

 Anyway. Recommendations!
 Also, how have you all been? I haven't heard from you guys in ages--do comment telling me how you're doing and what's changed!

P.S. In the midst of my poor marks, I'd like to mention I was one of the select few that got a perfect score on my writing exam (it's a graduation requirement for all high schoolers). I'd like to thank you all for allowing me to achieve this goal by writing reviews--it forces me to be eloquent. Reading truly does make you a better writer--remember this!

bonne nuit!